Greg Gutfeld: Bad people abuse good intentions

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Now you know why you love this show. Besides my irrepressible sex appeal and compelling analysis. It’s honesty. Like the clogged men’s restroom toilets at the Times Square Burger King. We are full of them.

For example, earlier I said, happy Wednesday and true, it’s Wednesday. TSWT and Friends would have said something like Thursday. Stupid liars. But it’s not just an isolated case of honesty. He permeates this show like powdered sugar and Brian Stelter’s chest hair. Keep telling him to shave.

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For example, it was a slow news day. So slow that I was like the only one in this building. Wait until Jesse sees what I did to his suits. I didn’t know polyester was so flammable.

Now, I could have done a mono on inflation or Joe Biden, but really not yet. It’s so boring. Fortunately, a producer came up with this title, quote, “Transgender ex-neo-Nazi thief to receive expedited gender-confirmation surgeries.” Wow. I’m so glad he’s an ex neo-Nazi.

But let’s talk about a perfect storm of Gutfeldian content: trans, Nazi, gender surgery, prison. It looks like a Hogan’s Heroes after party at Bob Crane’s condo. This guy was crazy. Read about him, seriously.

But this story has it all. And when I heard it, I practically passed out in the arms of Steve Doocy, who still uses Aqua Velva. Good for him.

But it’s true. The US Bureau of Prisons, or BOP, is accelerating operations to confirm the gender of a transgender former neo-Nazi bank robber, after the thug filed a lawsuit claiming he had denied previous requests.

Now they say all of the claims in this case could be resolved without the need for further litigation. Wow. Lawyers must hate that phrase.

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Meanwhile, somewhere there’s an army vet waiting for a kidney. Further proof that where there is a will and a lawyer working on your behalf, there is a way, especially in prison, because you have the world’s most valuable commodity on your hand. I mean side. And it’s time.

So no surprise, the operation is on the right track. And guess who foots the bill? You. I mean, who else but the taxpayers. And if that’s true, shouldn’t we see what the finished products will look like? If I pay for the pizza, I choose the toppings, damn it. Let’s start with 38 DD and a nectarine shaped ass. It’s a terrible thing that someone can say something like that.

Now, in the 90s, in the 90s, Kat, the inmate, Donna Langan was born Peter Kevin Langan, who was sentenced to life in prison plus 35 years for robbing banks, using firearms and a destructive device, assaulted officers and other firearms charges. I’m not even sure it’s illegal anymore.

At the time, Langan was part of a neo-Nazi group called the Aryan Republic Army. This guy was such bad news. I’m surprised Kat didn’t let him sleep on his couch. Langan spent two decades in a men’s prison, lucky bastard, before being transferred to a women’s prison. Of course, I’m sure the number of inmates like Langan isn’t large, but doesn’t it all start small until it’s not? Well, other than me, I never grow up.

But everything else grows through corruption. It is based on Gutfeld’s Theory of the System of Game or GSOG. That’s when with any new phenomenon, there are always those who hack the system, and like a young Forest Gump running for the bus, it takes us forever to catch up because we get ripped off or end up paying for nonsensical things like sex surgery for thugs.

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Criminals have gone from making license plates for us to making us vaginas for them. You’re welcome. Bring therapy pets for air travel. Perfect for vets with PTSD. But what happened next? People went online and filled in fake papers. Suddenly there are so many dogs on planes that I added heartworm medicine to my Xanax. Watching people board the plane now feels like an episode of Wild Kingdom. A lady with a peacock. Bearded crackpots with therapy snakes. A guy petting a chicken in an exit row. Who could it be?

The fact is that human instinct drives us to exploit all good intentions. Shit, stuff like that happens all the time.

STAFF 1: Hi guys. What can I get for you?

STAFF 2: Hey. Yeah, I’ll go for a big soda, and he’ll go for the kid’s combo.

STAFF 1: Sir. It is for children under 12 years old.

STAFF 2: In fact, he is 11 years old.

STAFF 1: But he has a beard.

STAFF 2: They grow up so fast.

STAFF 1: Good. One, kids combo. Wait a minute. What movie did you say you were watching again?

STAFF 2: Yeah, I’ll go see Lightyear. And he’s going to see the Deep Throat remake.

STAFF 1: Yeah, this movie is X-rated. He’s way too young for that.

STAFF 2: Well, actually, he identifies as a 40-year-old male.

STAFF 3: Thank you dad. See you soon.

STAFF 2: Enjoy the sex scene, son. I love you.

Now you’ve seen it with COVID loans. How many billions have been defrauded? Because how dare we question people claiming they need the money. But with anything in life, the road paved with good intentions always ends in a pit of depravity.

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Hate crime laws have given us hate crime hoaxes. And how long before red flag laws lead to neighbors mocking neighbors out of spite? Now it’s back to burying my bodies under the floor. Like the good old times.

It’s about playing with the system and like a faulty sex doll, even the tongue is impenetrable.

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If your belief is contrary to reality, simply use language to create a new reality. According to the New York Post, Langan knew, quote-unquote, at the age of four that she had been misidentified as a boy. And her whole life has been shaped by the agonizing tension between the new immutability of her gender identity and the life-and-death danger of living her truth publicly.

That’s called bullshit. And I still wouldn’t want to wash my pork with it. It’s a Harley. Be careful. This is my nickname. But we live in a time where truth is being supplanted by belief as a lifestyle choice.

Even if your belief is wrong, it is still your choice. You can be a flat earther, a real 911, a pregnant man. It’s just dumb beliefs redefined as choices, and we end up footing the bill while the criminals laugh to the gender neutral bank.

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